How to Drive 101 (For the #Asshats)

This is my regularly scheduled winter driving rant. I hear so much talk about how “the roads are bad” and “the city isn’t plowing enough” and “it’s so dangerous on the roads” … No, people, just no. The roads are the same winter roads and you all have the same cars.

YOU are the problem, asshats.

(If you’re not an asshat, then this doesn’t apply to you.)

For whatever reason, I drive multiple types of vehicles, only one of which is a 4×4 and it’s not the one I drive most. Usually I drive a little 4-door car and GUESS WHAT?! I have yet to slip, slide, hit anyone, go off the road, or cause (or be in) an accident. If you are slipping and sliding around ┬áthe main roads…. you are doing it wrong.

Instead, try this:

1. Remove head from ass, now that you are no longer wearing your ass as a hat, you should not be an asshat on the road.

2. LEAVE A GAP. Seriously, an actual gap. Far enough away that more than one car can fit between you and the car in front of you. Yes, MORE THAN ONE. No, not a Smart Car -sized gap, an actual redneck dually sized gap. And don’t give me any crap about “but, Heather, then someone will merge in front of me!” So? This isn’t YOUR road. It’s your car and your body and if someone merges in front of you, then slow up and leave a gap. Repeat. If you keep doing this then you’ll a) get where you need to go, and b) not rear end anyone. See? Your car and your body will be safe. You know what’s super stupid? When someone merges and then you tailgate them because they have somehow offended your personage … the road is not your personal space, sweetheart. Your lap is your personal space … not your bumper. “I’ll show them,” says the asshat *shakes fist*, “look how close I am to you, do you see that I’m mad! Oh I’m hella mad now!” Here’s a tip: a proper signal and lane change is not the same as cutting you off.

3. Every gap is not a merging opportunity. Seriously – merging over so you can get half of a car length further along in your drive is stupid. You will save almost NO TIME in your drive. You might save 7.3 seconds in your commute, which you’ll waste sitting in your car listening to the end of that song/news report/weather report before you shut the car off, or picking up the shoes your kid kicked off during the drive… ┬áThis is DRIVING and not CHECKERS, people. Every damn rear-ender has the same story: I was trying to merge over and didn’t have enough of a gap in front of me so when the car in front stopped, I hit it.

4. Do we really need to talk about texting and using your phone? Apparently we do. I’m astounded people do this in the summer, nevermind in winter conditions. Here in Alberta, we are HANDS FREE … if your phone is in your hands, your hands are not free. Do you see how that works? For $20 you can get a set of headphones with a mic and use your phone that way if you have to. No one wants to die sending a text like K u want a dbl dbl?

5. Spend good money on tires. This is easy. No, I’m not a believer in snow tires. I have never bought them (though I bought my old ’97 Yukon with winter tires already on it) and they don’t make that much of a difference. What does make a difference is GOOD tires with some TREAD left on them and proper driving techniques. See above.

That’s really all you need. Maybe some extra weight in your car (sandbags) and not driving a stupid Miata in Alberta in the winter. I mean, there are some cars that are just not appropriate. Usually they are expensive cars with stupid tires and even stupider drivers.

(Stupider is as much a word as asshat, so hush.)

If you do just one of these suggestions … please make it #2. Leave a gap, people. So easy.

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